the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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