so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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