david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Randomize
