at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
