I'm so fucking centered right now
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
