Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
