I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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