Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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