We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
