Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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