her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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