Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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