her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
