wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
