you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
