who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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