a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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