There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
