i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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