nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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