Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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