Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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