i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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