Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
