I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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