I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
