if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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