I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My ass is underappreciated
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
