I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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