I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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