Whoa Z and x make the same sound
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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