it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just tell him i said nine months
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
