i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
As shirtless as possible
I don't deserve a penis
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
