There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
