woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
