Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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