Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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