i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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