ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
