At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
