My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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