I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
