I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
