I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize