I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
