Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
