peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
