Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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