the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
