im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
