I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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