On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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