Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
