When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize