We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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