If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
