birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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