we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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