Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
