How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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