I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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