Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Princesses don't give blow jobs
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
