my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my vag is so smooth its legendary
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
It's official drugs can't kill me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Randomize
