i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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