No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you never un-have a 4some
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
