genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
