just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
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