I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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