Only a mothe r could love this liver
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
