Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
