Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I will be naked everywhere
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
