i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
