chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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